Below there is a picture of me from a couple of years ago, demonstrating one of the moves that we went over in class tonight – one that I can still do, even in my current state. There’s a lot of things I know how to do that I can’t do right now.
What I mean by my current state is that I’m, er, fluffier than I’ve ever been in my life. Being overweight is no fun. Yes, I know some people would love to be “only” as heavy as I am. Someone will always have it worse than I do. But that doesn’t mean that I have to accept my body the way that it is. Feeling more self-conscious than I have in a long time, buying larger and larger (and larger!) clothes, finding rolls where there used to be curves and all the other new experiences I’m having are not things that I want to get used to.
I know how I got to the weight that I’m at. I take full responsibility, and I’m taking steps to fix it. Lately I’m starting to feel trapped in this body… it’s claustrophobic. Strangely, I’ve run into a lot of people that won’t work out because they want to be “in better shape first.” It boggles the mind, how extremely damaging our egos can be at the expense of our well-being. Fighting the urge to hide and just hope for a shift in my body, I am putting myself out there as much as possible. Moving, being more mindful of my eating habits, looking for ways to encourage weight loss.
In the meantime, I’m practicing svadhyaya (self study) and santosha (contentment). It’s somewhat difficult to practice both at the same time, I find. Once some defect or issue gets discovered, I want it fixed right now. But just because you decide on a course of action, the results do not happen instantly, and I am working on being radically self-accepting even though I’m not where I want to be.
I have faith and hope that I will actually come to acceptance in my physical aspect. I am setting an intention that I will be great with whatever shape I end up with, as long as it allows me to fly on the pole! That will be something if I can accomplish that deep of self love.
A lot of women have issues with weight, regardless of shape and size. Every woman I ever met has something to “work on” no matter how gorgeous she is. Do you know anyone that is okay with her body? Are you okay with yours? What do you do to help you be more accepting of your physical self? I would love to hear your input on this issue. If you’re not comfortable posting on my blog for all to see, feel free to share your story with me privately with a message on my Hope on Heels Facebook page.
C.S. Lewis said “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”