how I stopped worrying and learned to love the bombshell within

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In my experience, we humans tend to think we are extremely unique in our thoughts and feelings: “no one thinks these crazy thoughts like I do” or “no one has this much hurt/shame/guilt/fear in their hearts” or “it’s hard for others to understand me because I am so much more intelligent than almost everyone else ever” etc.

While I’ll agree that everyone has something to offer this world, and every person is a child of (enter deity here), worthy of love and respect… I’m convinced that we are having a collective experience that becomes meaningful only when it’s shared among us. What that has to mean then, is that we have to be having the same experiences or no one would be able to exercise their empathy and emotional understanding. In other words, no one could relate to anyone else.

There is a phrase I have heard tossed around called “terminal uniqueness” which refers to people that are in a place where they’d rather literally die than be willing to accept help or guidance. Having once suffered from this condition myself, I can definitively say two things: 1. it is absolutely the most awful feeling when you believe you’re experiencing stuff no one else has ever felt or done –  anywhere you go, anything you do, no one can help you, understand you or even forgive you for your thoughts, feelings, actions. 2. THERE IS A CURE.

Because the illness exists solely in your head, as soon as you are ready to be cured – poof! – you are miraculously able to begin the healing, grow, and most importantly help other people do the same. My experience with overcoming terminal uniqueness is the same as everyone else’s experience. (See what I did there?!) I needed loving guidance toward the new idea that I while I may be very special in my own way like my momma told me I am – I am not, in fact, experiencing my life differently than any human that has ever existed on the planet. I’m not a new breed of human and therefore my limitations are within the realm of human experience. In other words I was basically told, “Sweetie, get over yourself” and then comforted as the shock of realization hit me. They were indeed correct in what only moments ago I had thought obnoxious, presumptuous and downright rude.

The most painful part in this epiphany for me was the torrential rush of hope I felt as this new reality sank in. If I am understandable, if I am one among many, if my thoughts, feelings and actions aren’t despicably inhuman or inexplicably disgusting then some one, somewhere can help me. If I can be helped, then life might not be so isolated and painful. If life isn’t so isolated, so painful – then, just maybe, I can be free. I didn’t dare hope too hard right away. I had had hope before, only to have it be crushed by people in just as much pain and ill circumstance… so I was still afraid that this relief was fleeting. Freedom seems impossible when our captor appears invincible. Realizing that what is holding you back are your old ideas and thoughts (either fed to you or made up by you to survive your environment) and not any outside force, can give you courage to fight for that freedom, for inner peace, for a chance for true happiness.

Since discovering I am just like everyone else, I have found other people walking around with that same horrible mix of grandiosity and utter shame of terminal uniqueness. I’ve seen people die from it. It’s a terrible tragedy to see life end for no other reason than we couldn’t help them see how ordinary their problems are. Sometimes people have had their hope crushed so many times they simply can’t allow themselves any hope at all.

I hope this post encourages you to either ask for help, or offer it, depending where you are on your journey. Here are some of the phrases that helped me to become one among many, though they may seem harsh they were all delivered in pure love:

“Get over yourself sweetie”
“You can’t tell me anything I haven’t heard before, but I encourage you to try.”
“You haven’t done anything we didn’t already do… Twice. While naked.”
“Sorry, you’re just not that special.”
“Of course you punched her/pooped your pants/cried for three days/etc. I would have done the same thing in your shoes.”
“We will love you til you can love yourself. Go ahead and act a fool. We’ll still be here when you wear yourself out.”
“Don’t leave before the miracle happens.”

What they didn’t tell me is that the miracle was me feeling like I belonged somewhere – right here, on Earth, with you. My spot was reserved at birth, and no actions I took or thoughts I had could remove it. The same is true for every single person. Sorry, you’re just not that special…

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Last night was Level One graduation night, I can’t believe 8 weeks goes by so fast! The transformation in such a short amount of time is astonishing, and seeing an entire group of women become confident is absolutely priceless. Their revolutions and revelations bring back memories of my own experience and the remarkable changes I’ve seen in the ladies of the YF community around me over the last 4 years. They remind me why it’s so valuable to start (and then continue!) a yoga practice. The strength and resilience gained by the mind and body support the spiritual health created by a consistent use of breath and focus.

I believe that any woman would benefit from Yoga Flirt. Last night I heard the Level One graduates sharing their stories, amazed by their own boldness and bravery in the outside world after two months of class. There were hugs and promises to stay in touch, as they will have a new instructor for level two. As the last woman left the studio, she had an enormous smile on her face that was lit up from within. I had never seen that look on her face before, but I’ve seen it on many other students faces as they break through their self-consciousness and fears! The feeling I get as their instructor is completely indescribable. For me, being an instructor means I have been given the gift of learning from my students. It is truly humbling.

Come, be my teacher! Spring session Level One starts THIS THURSDAY, May 2nd at 5:45pm-7:15pm. It’s an 8 week session, and you can sign up on the Yoga Flirt website. As a little bit of incentive, I’ll give you $30 off of Level One if you sign up for the session that starts this week. There are only 5 spots left, so please let me know ASAP if you want to take advantage of the offer to ensure you get a spot. All classes max out at 12 women, to ensure enough quality time is spent with each student. If enough ladies want to take Level One when Thursday sells out, Cathy might attempt to create another time slot. I can’t guarantee it, but it’s very possible!

If you’re in the area and want to get started, please go to Facebook, like my page and private message me, or find me on Twitter and send me a private tweet. If you’re an out of town gal, do not fret… I will collaborate with Cathy to help spread the love if we can!


I recently visited the Yoga Flirt website to find my testimonial, written back in 2009. I had been in class with the same set of ladies through level 4, but most of the ladies I joined up with in level 5 had been in that level for a few sessions. We did the normal structure of class, with dancing at the end. It was all challenging and interesting and fun, but when the dancing started it just turned… POW!

Here’s a piece of my testimonial:
“…I attended my first level 5 class last Monday, and I could barely keep my jaw off the floor. I was so amazed and moved by the power those women had over their bodies, and it made me realize the power I had developed over mine. Not just in physical strength, but the power to own my physical beauty, my sensuality and sexuality! … I can’t describe the feeling of freedom that comes from completely letting go and finding out what happens when you don’t hold back! It can be scary, but it’s SO worth it.”

That first level 5 class has left an impression in my mind, even after all this time. Reading this testimonial back, I realize that somewhere along the line I relinquished the power I felt over my physical body. I started having severe, constant neck pain and it was so physically and emotionally exhausting that I barely had any energy for living. I became hopeless. Exercising was out of the question, but eating for comfort was easy enough. The result of that is something I’ve already shared: I’m heavier than I’ve ever been.

The good news is that I’m taking the power back. I am committed to becoming physically fit! More exercise (every time I get a chance!) and listening to my body about when it’s time to eat are the two most important actions. Slow and steady wins the race, so I’m staying off the scale for now and just doing the footwork.

Revisiting that testimonial also renewed my love of Yoga Flirt. It’s easy to forget how much my life changed that first year of pole dancing/yoga philosophy lessons, but it changed quite a bit. YF helped me deepen my spiritual life, I feel closer to the higher power that I believe in. This tells me that the divine powers that be can deliver spirituality in the most unexpected ways. It pays to have an open mind.

There are a lot of great yoga blogs, I follow some of them (see right sidebar). They know infinitely more than I do about yoga! What I do know about yoga is this: It’s not just about holding poses and all the physical benefits that one gets from consistent practice. If you dive in just a little deeper you will find that there are great suggestions on how to live a more peaceful, contented life. Who doesn’t want that?

I encourage you to check out a book about yoga at the library, ask your yoga teacher what they know, or just google yoga and get the low-down on what yoga is really about. Maybe there’s something for you, a tidbit of deep wisdom that will touch your heart, mind or soul and give you that glow that so many a yogi display. Let me know what you find!

Namaste


So, where were we? Oh, yes that’s right… Possibilities, and the foundation it was built upon. Learning a new lesson each week in YF class was a great start. The information was seeping in around the edges of my life, it was effortlessly happening. It was like I had just been waiting for some one to tell me how to do what I’d wanted to do all along.

But now we’re getting back to not knowing what you don’t know that you don’t know. For instance: I had no idea that I had such a hang-up about letting myself try to look good (or even hot!). Before YF, applying make up was something I did for work or a special occasion, and I definitely didn’t go in for revealing clothes. If I did do myself up or wear something a little clingy, I was sure that people were thinking, “Why is she trying to look good? She’s obviously vain, and she’s a fraud too. She looks like a fool in that dress/skirt/eyeliner.”

WHAT? Why would a grown woman be afraid to be feminine? It has to do with my childhood, of course! I felt that drawing any attention to myself was a bad idea, because it surely was when I was a kid.  My peers would make fun of me if I didn’t wear the “right” outfit, or changed my hair in an uncool way. If I wore something that showed off my body they’d say I was conceited, and that I was just trying to stick my boobs out so the boys would look. (Like that’s a bad thing?) That right there helped me develop some rotten self-esteem, believing I didn’t deserve to feel good by looking good. Baggy jeans and an extra large t-shirt were my uniform for several years.

I was at the point in my life where I would try to wear make up more often, but I avoided having any personal “style” at all costs. Then we moved away from a set dance routine in YF. I don’t want to give everything away, but we learned to freely express ourselves through movement in level four. Cathy encouraged us to wear and remove layers, stop thinking about moving and just move. She encouraged us to be our true selves, and not mimic others. Otherwise known as: having your own “style.” Since I fancy myself such a great student, I felt I should not let Cathy down. Letting my mind be led by my body was a difficult but wonderful process. I began to develop a trance-like state when I danced. Everyone in the class, teacher and students, were super complimentary and supportive when I truly let go. They could tell I was really being authentic with my dance.

And so, a personal style was born! I was once afraid, but not any more. Sure, I still have confidence issues from time to time… but for the most part, I wear what I like and if people don’t like it, well every one is entitled to their opinion.

There’s also the idea of self-expression, and being bravely authentic during the times when a woman is expected to just, well, take it like a man. Cowgirl up, you might say. I don’t fake feeling fine anymore with my true friends. On the whole, I am pretty optimistic and positive, but everyone gets her panties in a bunch from time to time! So when I do, I let people know. I will usually dance it out in class anyway.

When my precious doggie died, I danced to “Heavenly Day” by Patty Griffin.  As the song came to an end, I just crumpled down on the floor and cried. Cathy brought me a tissue and a hug. It felt good to be so raw in such a safe place that I do it as much as I can! I find a song to match my mood and hash it out in stilettos. If you’re angry, stomping around in 6-inch heels, then taking them off and chucking them at the floor is very therapeutic. And the gals in the crowd will just hoot and holler and love you for your emotional honesty.

Emotional honesty, once experienced, can be like a drug. It feels so good to name your pain or joy when it’s safe to do so. The yoga principle for truthfulness is satya. Practicing satya in class has helped me be more honest outside of class. Come to find out, having a real feeling about something isn’t frowned upon if you’re with the right people.

Yoga Flirt has taught me that I am safe, even when I’m sexy, passionate, or even just sad. It has taught me more about finding the right people to be authentic with, and they have taught me more about finding my truth.  My truth changes, and so it’s important to stay on top of it. Check my emotional temperature, if you will. A weekly class where I am asked to examine my truth gives me an opportunity to see when it changes, ask why it changed and – yes! – remember that it’s probably going to be different next week any way.

I hope you find your truth today, and that you say it out loud to some one you trust. And maybe you could share a little truth here, if you don’t mind? I’d love to hear what’s really going on.


The great thing about being on a spiritual path is that I’m an eternal student! Every situation is -eventually – seen as a growth opportunity. Sometimes an experience is painful, but it’s never a waste unless I fail to learn the lesson. A lesson is bound to show up over and over again until it sinks in… I say this from personal experience! Quite a bit of personal experience, unfortunately.

Being an eternal student requires having a willingness to admit I don’t know everything. It also requires maintaining an open mind, which is how Yoga Flirt managed to fall into my life. My assumption about pole fitness was oh so wrong! I can only hope to be that positively incorrect in the future. No doubt I will be, over and over.

As mentioned numerous times, I do so love Yoga Flirt. It has made me realize “stuff” about myself that nine years of self-study hadn’t been able to reveal. You can’t know what you don’t know, if you don’t even know it’s there! (Ya know?) The shadow of my childhood was so integrated into my unconscious mind that I didn’t realize I was still suffering, unnecessarily, from the effects of my early experiences. It was so shot through the fabric of my behaviors and feelings that I just thought it was normal.

Thank goodness I couldn’t be more wrong about what I thought “normal” looked and felt like! I honestly thought I had recovered as much as I could in certain areas of my life.

Little did I know every single YF class begins with a lesson or discussion involving a yogic principle and how it can apply in class… or life. And when I started being able to successfully translate my in-class practice into my every day life, I experienced small seismic shifts in my fundamental understanding of what it means to be a woman.

The realization that I’d made it to my 30s without knowing what kind of woman I had the potential to be was a lesson in humility, and a major turning point in my spiritual progress. A whole new set of possibilities appeared to me, along with a framework upon which to build them.

For the sake of brevity I will address those possibilities and their foundation in another post. I leave you with a photo of the world’s most awesome garland:

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In the interest of time, I decided I’d break up my story into a few parts! Here’s part one, beginning at a huge turning point in my life…

I moved to the Central Coast of California in January 2008. It was a big move for me, coming from the LA area. I’d never lived outside of a 20 mile radius, Burbank being the center of the circle and where I spent most of my life. I had an amazing group of longtime friends there and I knew where everything was! Now suddenly I was in this beautiful place, but I had to search the Internet for where the closest grocery store was, and I most certainly didn’t have any local friends. That left a big hole in my heart, as I was used to regular meetings with my girl troops down south. I was homesick and sad, and I started gaining weight.

My weight gain made me seek out forms of exercise. I had a gym membership but I never liked their yoga classes. Yoga has a deep internal part that was just missing at the gym, so I looked for a traditional yoga studio to attend classes and I found one very close to my house. The teacher was amazing! The yoga was physically intense (I had never sweat so hard in a yoga class) and I could tell she was into the spiritual aspect of what was going on. There was a great vibe in the studio, a very calm and nurturing environment.

There was one detail, however, that was a little bizarre. It’s not a huge studio, so I thought it was weird that there were three poles in the middle of the room. My first thought was definitely not about pole dancing. In fact, I couldn’t imagine what they were for, so one day I asked a fellow student… and couldn’t have been more shocked to learn their purpose! She had been taking the pole classes and positively gushed about them.

I had a few thoughts: “I would never, ever do that but good for her!”, “That will never take off around here, every one is so uptight.” and “Really. Really? For reals?” It just seemed so different and out of place, especially in the town that I live in. Coming from LA, which isn’t really the hotbed of righteous behavior, I was shocked that her studio had not been firebombed yet by religious fanatics. That gives you an idea of my impression of my new surroundings.

The student continued gushing about the program, and this benefit and that one. Finally she said one that caught my attention, “I’ve gotten a lot stronger and have even lost some weight!” I was willing to try anything to lose the pounds I was packing on at an alarming rate, so I signed up for the intro class. I was proud of myself that I had such an open mind, willing to give this obviously crazy (and possibly insanely slutty) deal a chance.

And then I went to the intro class.

to be continued…


Before I get into the telling of my story, I want to share a tidbit about the woman who teaches me a lot about yoga principles and how to live by them. She’s a dear friend, as well as the best yoga teacher I’ve ever had. It’s hard to start a description of her without first saying that she’s tiny. She’s not even 5 feet tall – well not until she puts on her heels!- but the (capital U) Universe managed to pack a lot of great stuff into a small package. She’s quick to laugh, and she allows people to be who they are. I find those to be two of my favorite qualities in a human!

Her experience with life, and the way she thought about her body, is something that a LOT of women I know can relate to. What happened to her to change all of her programmed negativity is a little silly on the surface. Check out this link to read Cathy’s experience and the birth of Yoga Flirt. I believe in a higher power and I believe that Yoga Flirt was divinely inspired to teach women that loving themselves is the key to being the best human that they can be, and that that is enough.

You are already enough.



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