I had no intention of abandoning Hope on Heels for so long, as all of the positive feedback (both internal and external) let me know I was doing something right. Something good for my soul, that connected me to the souls of others.
So what happened? I always found myself too busy, too tired, too pained, too hyper, too distracted to blog. Introspection is scary, especially when there’s a lot of “stuff” going on. When I have “stuff” going on, I tend to get very busy. It’s not all bad activity – quite the contrary! I work out and help people and chop veggies and read books and do puzzles and visit friends and get organized and… well, you get it. I’ll sleep, breathe and think about what’s really going on later. As in, not now… or now… or even now!
Taking time for a long, deep soul searching is not on the agenda for most folks, but I don’t have the luxury of not examining my resentments, fears, and faults. Svadhyaya, meaning self-study in Sanskrit, is my ticket to mental, emotional, and spiritual freedom. Without this self-study, I become obsessed with the idea that something external will fix my problem. Perhaps a pair of shoes or a phone upgrade will relieve me of my suffering? Nothing on the TV or interwebs remind me to practice prayer and meditation, for those particular solutions are kept in a dark, dusty corner of our societal tool shed – if they are in there at all!
So with no introspection, no blog. This isn’t an awesome recipe or crafting blog – it’s about my truth and connecting with others. No one wants to read my to-do lists, not even ME.
Also involved with not blogging is an element of punishment. I enjoy writing so denying myself the pleasure is a form of self-flagellation: “Bad girl, you’re suffering! That must mean you’re imperfect, a condition that needs immediate correction. No writing or true enjoyment for you until you return to an unattainably, unsustainably perfect way of being.” You can probably see where this line of thinking gets me. I’m not claiming to be rational – quite the opposite – but this is where I go when I am afraid.
And I’m only afraid like that when I forget that I am a woman of faith today, that I have tools to bring me back to center. Like practicing yoga through the “other” non- physical limbs of yoga, mostly the yamas and niyamas, with my primary focus on ahimsa (non-violence AKA not beating myself up) and santosha (contentment AKA accepting my self in my current, divine state). For a few reasons I am not engaging in asana (yoga “poses”) right now… but doing yoga off the mat is an entirely different post. A post that I hope you will see fairly soon.
Unlike many people I have a whole tool shed full of spiritual solutions that I have received through friends, mentors, students, therapists and good books. My gratitude for that can’t go unstated. No matter how far I’m willing to wade out into my pool of misery, I know that there’s always a warm and fuzzy answer waiting back on the shore. So here I am, all wrapped up and finally, finally back to connecting with you.
I want to say that I thank you for your support during this period of radio silence. I still felt you all there even while I was away and it gave me strength to do what needed to get done to find my way back here with truth and authenticity. And if I wasn’t going to be real, there was NO WAY I would be able to blog. I have no interest in transmitting my suffering to y’all, only to offer my personal experiences and the solutions to my challenges that I may help you with yours or simply assure you you’re not fumbling alone in the dark through this big Universe.
Over the last decade I have come to understand that I am not defined by what I do to pay bills. It was a difficult lesson! Both pride in my work ethic and having been with the same company my entire adult life made it hard to grasp the concept that I am not my job! What I know now is that ego about my work ethic says a lot more about me than what I am actually employed to do. Not working is usually fairly difficult for me, and I know because I have been through disability before and struggled with feelings of guilt and uselessness for not being at work.
The moment I made the decision that I was unable to work, as described in my last post, I was certain that I was doing the wrong thing. Right before I made the decision I was sure… but then my old buddy Self-Doubt showed up to create fear. I filed my disability claim and immediately decided I wasn’t that bad and should just cancel it, suck it up. Just go back to work.
The great news is that always happens when I need to take disability time off, or even when I just call in sick for a day, yet I can’t recall a time where I’ve EVER looked back and regretted calling out of work. So I just waited that BS out and went to the doctor to get the paperwork done.
I am feeling a lot of fear lately about work. Honestly, and this is the first time in my life I’ve even considered this as a possibility, I am unsure that I will ever again be able to work at my current job. So I looked at the five kleshas in yoga, to see if I could pinpoint the particular one I’m most affected by on this issue. I thought it might help if could concentrate on the particular branch of fear I was hanging out on. Unfortunately I think it’s the trunk of the affliction tree… avidya or ignorance. I like the Wikipedia definition:
avidya: ignorance in the form of a misapprehension about reality
When I express my fear out loud I am quickly assured by all that I am wrong, that I will go back and be just as kick ass as before. That fear is just a feeling I’m having, and feelings aren’t facts. Feelings can change any time, are often wrong, and can cause indulgent or poor decisions to be made. This fear feels very real though I’m fairly sure it’s a lie, and the solution is waiting to see what actually happens, as opposed to creating that reality or worrying myself to death about it.
For now, I’m doing the work to take care of my physical body, my emotional state and my spiritual connection. I’m focusing on the present and what I can do to be the best Angela today. Which means the more frightened I get, the more I focus on the immediate. I do what I can in the moment to be present for what I am being offered in that moment. It’s making for a very small world lately, but that practice has allowed me to mostly stay focused on joy despite my constant discomfort.
What a gift!
There’s a Maya Angelou quote that is popping up all over my life right now. You may have heard it in some form or another:
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
That’s some capital-T Truth right there. This thought, having been presented to me several times this week, is floating around in the background of the stewpot that is my mind. To me, people are valuable for what messages they deliver from the Universe. Everyone in the world has something to teach me, and that is something I practice being mindful of on a daily basis.
My main goal is to be the best me I can be and I pray for it every day. When I strive for the best behavior I can manage, it’s not necessary to beat myself up. Often I fall short of perfection, but that’s okay. My job as a human is to be imperfect, so I’m doing my job very well!
Before I get into what is clawing its way out of me today, I want to ask you how this quote makes you feel. Who does it remind you of? What do you think is the most valuable feeling some one can give you? Do you have a person in your life that gave/gives you this feeling? Do you try to give others that feeling, the one that you want to get from others?
The most challenging part of life for many of us is relationships. I’ll speak for myself here, but I know many of you will able to identify with what I experience. Love is not a simple emotion. I love everyone in my life, to one extent or another. I love them for their humor, for their beautiful lit-from-within smile, for being difficult and helping me practice patience and tolerance. I love people like I believe Mother Theresa loved people, which is unconditionally: just the way they, wonderfully or distressingly, are.
Just to back up for one moment: There was a time in my life when I had no capacity for love, empathy or compassion. I drowned my feelings, pushed away anyone that tried to help and spent every day just surviving. I was impatient, unsympathetic to others’ suffering because I was in so much emotional pain. It was a horrible way to live, and I think that helps me stay committed to how I’m living now because I never want to feel that way, ever, ever again. My happiness relies on me loving others!
This is how I try to love: by letting people know I see them and appreciate them. I let them know they’re worthy of other people’s time, not by telling them but by hearing what they say and responding in a thoughtful way. I let them know they’re worthy of love, by being kind, praising their accomplishments, giving them hope. That is the gentle, nurturing kind of love that I cultivate (and sometimes achieve) in my day to day life.
But there is another part of love. This is where aparigraha comes in! Yogic wisdom through Yoga Flirt taught me that aparigraha means non-grasping or non-possessive, the exact opposite of co-dependent. The modern term in this context would be detachment. If you can love someone and still practice aparigraha, the love will flourish and grow.
I have a co-dependent streak a mile wide, which I keep a nice big fence around most of the time. That fence allows me to love you, and manage to not possess or control you. Which means that if you do not ask for advice, I will not give it to you. It means that if you ask for advice and then don’t take it, I don’t feel personally affronted. It means that you may not take advantage of me. I will lend you an ear, or my time, but probably not any money.
Aparigraha can also look like tough love, and I will explain what that means to me. It means that if you insist on making the same mistakes over and over, I will not listen to you whine about it. It means if you are digging yourself a hole you aren’t equipped to climb out of on your own, I will let you. And if you are on the floor and aren’t asking for help to get up, I will not kick you, but I will leave you there. To you it may sound cold, callous or cruel… but I’ve been those and it’s very different.
Many people think they are helping a loved one, when they are actually enabling them. Enabling is not about the person being enabled, it’s about the enabler. I have the opportunity to enable on a daily basis and I choose not to as much as possible, even though it’s way less painful for me. It’s very difficult for me to watch my loved ones suffer, but trying to fix their problems so that I can feel better is selfish, not loving at all. I let go with love, allow them to learn the lessons they are meant to learn in this lifetime, let them suffer instead of swooping in to save the day. I check my motives when I am compelled to “help” a loved one. Am I truly being of service to them, or do I lack faith that things are as they should be, am I just looking for an opportunity to play the hero, the martyr, the saint? When you love someone and they are hell bent on self-destruction, if you really want to help them, get out of their way. The sooner they hit bottom, the faster they can start to heal and recover.
This is where we re-visit Ms. Angelou’s quote. When you are practicing aparigraha while a loved one suffers, they may not appreciate what you are doing very much. But in the long run, there’s hope that the miracle of recovery happens, they realize you gave them space to find their way, and they can thank you for putting yourself through some misery so that they got to get rid of theirs. I know how grateful I am to the people who do that for me! They make me feel like I have dignity, that I’m capable of making decisions and problem-solving on my own, that I’m worthy of their love.
I want to know what you think. Remember those questions I asked in the beginning of this post, a long (winded) time ago?
I’ll end with another quote, not from a famous person but from an old recovered drug addict named Sherman. Any time he gave a talk, he’d always end it by saying:
“If nobody told you they love you today, I love you madly.”
Ok so the title of this post is not exactly poetry. But it is true! I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in a month. For a few weeks I felt so spent, I shared so much so quickly that I felt cleansed. There was so much support and a lot of you identified with what I was saying. It was awesome, I felt as though I was walking around with love wrapped around me like a warm blanket. The whole point of this blog is to get the magic that is Yoga Flirt to the masses, to let women of the world (and their men!) that there is a way to owning your femininity, your body, your self.
There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that can’t be overcome. The key to success is hope and willingness to do the work. The problem is usually that we start out with that, but can’t sustain it, and society and our egos tell us that we shouldn’t ask for help. The messages we receive saying that asking for help shows weakness, exposes us as failures, means that we are losers is a big fat lie.
You may be able to tell I feel strongly about this. It is because I have failed many times at things I really, really wanted to succeed at because I was unwilling to ask for help. Some of my faulty reasoning: “I don’t want to ask for help, because when I’m unsuccessful at my goal, everyone will know and they’ll all shame/pity/laugh at me.” “I’m not worth helping. I’ll be putting people out.” “Everyone else can do it without help, so why can’t I? I must be weak/stupid/useless.”
As ridiculous as it sounds when some one else says it, when my brain tells me those awful lies, sometimes I still believe them. If anyone talked to me like my own brain talks to me I would run away from them as fast as possible. Unfortunately, I am forced to co-habitate with my own gray matter and therefore must make peace.
The beauty of Yoga Flirt is that it gives permission to think only non-harming thoughts, to engage in self-study, practice contentment and a whole bunch more. The yogic wisdom shared at the start of every class is revolutionary for some of us!
Recently, the staff had a special photo shoot with our photographer, Debbie. She’s super amazing, if you want to check out her stuff just click here and be amazed at her gift. She has the magic in her for sure! Tell her I sent you. I don’t think it will get you a deal, but at least she’ll know how much I love her.
Debbie sent me an email saying the pictures were ready, I just had to pick my favorite five. Excited, I fled to the website, logged in and immediately deflated when I saw the pictures. I look (am) so much heavier than I’d prefer. I wasn’t really surprised by what I saw, but I was sad how hard it was to pick ones that I like because I don’t know how much I want to be reminded forever on how I look right now.
Funny, the silver lining just occurred to me which is that even though I’m not thin, I still feel sexy. And the pictures can be motivation to stay healthy, that even though they’re beautifully taken, I’m in a fun outfit and even look like I’m enjoying myself… I know I could be doing so much better, healthwise.
I think so many of us believe we’re not worth the time it takes to care for ourselves. We “let ourselves go” because we’re too busy or distracted to love ourselves enough to stay healthy, look and feel our best. I get bogged down by work. I’d rather read my book on the couch than push myself to attend classes or just go hit the treadmill. Scrolling through Facebook is more important than cultivating and maintaining the relationship I’m trying to build with you, the ones that read and support me and this blog. I’d rather watch a mindless tv show than meditate or work on my spirituality.
The irony is that when I’m doing the work on my mental, physical and spiritual state, everything else I do becomes infinitely more enjoyable. I am comfortable with people, because I am not in a state of anxiety. I am comfortable in my clothing, because it actually fits. I am comfortable in the present moment because I am connected to my higher power and I remember that all is how it should be.
Finally, I picked my 5 favorite images and sent them off to Debbie to be edited. The pictures are gorgeous of course, unfortunately I do not like what the pictures exposed about the shape of my body. I will definitely show you one or two when she gets them back to me though. The ones I picked I do truly like! Thankfully, Yoga Flirt has taught me about radical self-acceptance. Right now I’m like this, there’s no use pretending like it’s different.
And here’s the hope: I am already on a mission to get to a healthy weight. I’ve already made some progress. I have asked for help and I’m getting some! I am optimistic and dedicated to achieving a more all around healthy lifestyle. It’s not about being skinny, but being comfortable. I want to eat good food and make good choices for my physical health.
Let me know if you’re on a journey towards radical acceptance, even if it’s just that you are on a journey to get on the journey!! I want to hear what you’re doing to take care of yourself.